Sorry this is ending up as my venting spot, but I really need somewhere I can express my thoughts and there isn't someone who can judge me, my own personal bubble.. though it's on the internet and I am almost as bare as expressing my thoughts on my twitter or tumblr.
My iTunes is playing Watashi wo tadoru monogatari by Arni Kumari on repeat. I hadn't really search the meaning of this song but the song really touch me in a way or another. I remembered the first time I heard this song was when I was frenetically chasing through 3Nen B-Gumi Kimpachi sensei. The season when there was Yabu Kota and Yaotome Hikaru starring in it. This song appeared in the mid of the show when Hikaru was losing his parents due to drugs and him getting himself addicted to drugs too. I remembered crying along because even though I hadn't really understood the emotions lying so bare in the show, the song had brought me tears. Maybe I should throw up the translated version of the lyrics here too.
Watashi no tadoru monogatari(Story that follows me) - Arni Kumari
A boy who’s been slapped in the face
Cries alone in the street at sunset
“I hate my dad”, he says harshly
As he looks at the sky, distorted by his tears
You called out to the distant future
But, unconcerned, it didn’t reply
But that’s your fault
For hiding yourself
Gripping the pencil tightly
You write the word “me”
In just the "me" on the white notepaper
You’re telling me your dreams
Only you can write that story
That story called “me”
A boy who’s had his hair cut
Cries alone in front of the mirror
“I hate my mum”, he says in a choked voice
Glaring in humiliation at his reflection
You say “If I were born to different parents
I’d be different”
But you’re wrong, of course
If that was the case you wouldn’t be here
Gripping the pencil tightly
You write the word “me”
Just the "me" on the white notepaper
Has brought us closer
A story that follows you
A story called “me”
It's almost hilarious how this lyrics is running close to heart. To be honest, who hadn't consider the 'what if' to who they were born to? Everyone seems to unsatisfied with their life and the things they were given now. The level of discontent, is always so high. There is always a chinese saying that goes "happiness runs in simple contentment" yet, who truly achieve that? Probably nobody.
This few months I had met some new friends, bond better relationships, lost a couple of people who I thought was going to be with me a long way through down my road of life. To say that I had met Hi-SPiRiTS was the best thing that happen to me, I have to be realistic and say no. The reason being is that, I had only been through twenty years of my life, the best thing to me is that thank you I have been born so I can meet more people and learn more things. However, if you were to say the best thing that I have happen to me so far in my twenty years living? Maybe meeting the seven of them would be one.
To say that things hadn't and wouldn't change between the eight of us, would be a down-right lie because we had almost lost a member of us and one of us isn't willing to accept him back, claiming that a leopard would never change it's spots and so does that particular member of ours. To be honest, I thought she was really selfish with that and hadn't gave him a chance to prove himself. Though I had never knew him as well as she did, but everyone deserve a second chance to change so who cares if the both of them didn't had a good closure? Give him a chance to make things right isn't it? No, you're going to take the broom and chasing him out of the door. Don't blame me if I say you are really childish, sheesh.
There was this member in the group that I had grown to think that he reacts like me, just like what my best friend always tells me. Lets just name him A in this post. This A, is someone who had a depth in his speech and thinking. It is almost safe to say that he thinks more deeper than some who is a few years older than him. I always remember that we use to tease him for being such a oldie trapped in a young boy's body, then again, that was then. Nowadays, after he got together with his girlfriend, the gradual change he have can't be neglected. I hope I could say she hadn't been a bad influence to him because, it's not her fault that they are in love and that he is beginning to change. His best friend is telling me that he realise that A starts to lie about things. It isn't like he hadn't lie before because I lies, his best friend lies, my best friend lies, his girlfriend lies, everyone lies. What had make his best friend fall into such disbelief is that he doesn't lie to him and now, he does. It wouldn't be a big deal actually, its just that when A lies, he doesn't cover for himself as well? Things just bare themselves to us as time goes by and A reacts like nothing happen before. I find that really scary. I mean, how could someone lie and act as if nothing happen? It's so hypocritical.
A starts to turn rather temperamental nowadays. He snaps at people, with words of sarcasm in his sentence. He doesn't treat him sister in the right way. He doesn't care about how people when he talks. It gets into people's nerves nowadays. We could be understanding at times, but not all the time. To be honest, it inks me off badly when I hear the way he talk to people nowadays. I want to be nice and say I'm fine with you,really when I'm totally flipping at times. Talk about who is being hypocritical now.
A is rather rude. Maybe it's just me but I couldn't stand the way he talk to his best friend who happen to be five years older than him. It would safer to say that the people he hang out more now, are all older than him. I am technically the youngest in the older line in the clique and I'm already three years older than him, what more the rest of them? Seriously, have a little bit more respect in the words you use to us and stop cutting into people's sentence or I'll personally sew up that mouth, gosh.
I think I need a proper breather myself as well. Or maybe, I just can't go out with the same people too much or everyone will just rub me off in the wrong way. I need some time so I can stop judging people. I don't want to judge, really.